Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
