i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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