you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
