Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
