i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
