I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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