I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
