I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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