I cannot find my penis.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
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