Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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