For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
