Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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