im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
