Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
