And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
third nipple confirmed
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
