Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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