I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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