She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I need to align my fucking chakras
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
