Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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