Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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