Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
