thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
