Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
