i think my tv is drunk
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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