I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
