things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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