If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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