Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
