She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
