when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
