Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
barbara walters just said penis...
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
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