If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
