weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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