Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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