Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
