That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
