The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
