It's like God shit irony all over that family
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
