can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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