remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
