Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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