Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
