If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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