what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
