you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
