Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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