I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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