puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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