I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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