did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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