Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
