I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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