so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
