Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
